More
Episcopal Humor & Christian Jokes
This joke
was forwarded by Jen McCabe, ECA
A CHRISTIAN DICTIONARY
- AMEN - The only part of a prayer that
everyone knows.
- BULLETIN - 1. Parish information, read
only during the homily. 2. Air conditioning. 3.
Your receipt for attending the service.
- CHOIR - A group of people whose singing
allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
- HOLY WATER - A liquid whose chemical formula
is H2OLY.
- HYMN - A song of praise, usually sung
in a key three octaves higher than that of the
congregation's range.
- RECESSIONAL HYMN - The last song of the
service, often sung a little more quietly since
some of the people have already left.
- INCENSE - Holy Smoke!
- JONAH - The original "Jaws" story.
- MAGI - The most famous trio to attend
a baby shower.
- MANGER - 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus
because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The
Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has
always been rough.
- PEW - A medieval torture device still
found in churches.
- PROCESSION - The ceremonial formation
at the beginning of service, consisting of altar
servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking
for seats.
- RECESSIONAL - The ceremonial procession
at the conclusion of the service, led by parishioners
trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
- RELICS - People who have been going to
church for so long, they actually know when to
sit, kneel, and stand.
- TEN COMMANDMENTS - The most important
Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
- USHERS - The only people in the parish
who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
These jokes were forwarded
by Jen McCabe, ECA
MORE KIDS IN CHURCH
A little girl became restless as the preacher's
sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over
to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give
him the money now, will he let us go?"
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a
sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he
asked. "Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
After a church service on Sunday Morning, a young
boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom,
I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's
okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said
the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday
anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand
up and yell than to sit and listen."
A Sunday School teacher challenged her children
to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a
letter to God. They were to bring their letter
back the following Sunday. One little boy wrote, "Dear
God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you
could have been there."
A child came home from Sunday School and told his
mother that he had learned a new song about
a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother
a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly
The Cross I'd Bear."
This joke was forwarded
by Leslie Rousseau, ECA
MORE CHURCH SIGNS
There was a church that had problems with outsiders
parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign:
CHURCH CAR PARK - FOR MEMBERS ONLY Trespassers will
be baptized!
An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands
holding stone tablets on which the Ten commandments
are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For
fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
When the restaurant next to another Church put out
a big sign with red letters that said, "Open
Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own
message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
A singing group called "The Resurrection" was
scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm
postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside
sign to read, "Resurrection is postponed."
"God so loved the world that He did not send
a committee."
"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas
rush!"
"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to
church."
"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
The slightly daft Webmaster
confesses that she can't remember where this
joke came from
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
with her five and six year olds. After explaining
the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she
asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how
to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest
of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
This joke was forwarded
by Karen Barney, Incline Village
CHURCH SIGNS
"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."
"Free trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins' "
"Searching for a new look? Have your faith
lifted here!"
"People are like tea bags -- you have to put
them in hot water before you know how strong they
are."
"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He
came out all right."
"Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."
"How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Nonsmoking?"
"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard,
the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement
benefits are out of this world."
"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in
the wages of sin."
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God
allows U-turns."
"If you don't like the way you were born, try
being born again."
"Looking at the way some people live, they
ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk
to the Shepherd."
"Jesus Is Coming"...Don't miss him for
the world.
This joke was previously
printed in Dear Abby, and forwarded by Donald
Roberts (Church of Our Saviour, Diocese of Newark)
FIRE!
During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary
rushed in shouting,
"The building is on fire!"
The Methodists gathered in the corner and
prayed.
The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"
The Quakers quietly praised God
for the blessings that the fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door
declaring the fire evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to
cover the damage.
The Jews posted symbols on the doors hoping
the fire would pass.
The fundamentalist proclaimed, "It's
the vengeance of God!"
The Episcopalians formed a procession
and marched out.
The Christian Scientists concluded that
there was no fire.
The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson
who was to appoint a committee to look into the
matter and submit a written report.
The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and
put the fire out.
This joke was forwarded
by Natalie Mena (ECA)
IF GOD HAD VOICE MAIL
"Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please
select one of
the following options:
Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgivings
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for All Other Inquiries.
I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other
sinners right now.
However, your prayer is important to us, so
please stay on the line and your prayer will be answered
in the order it was received. If you would
like to speak to:
God, Press 1
For Jesus, Press 2
For the Holy Spirit, Press 3
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm
while you are holding, please press 4.
To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven,
Press 5, enter his or her Social Security number,
and then press the pound key (if you get a negative
response, please try extension 666).
For reservations at "My Father's House" please
enter J-O-H-N followed by 3-1-6.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs,
the age of the earth and where Noah's Ark is, please
wait until you arrive here.
If you need emergency assistance when this office
is closed, you may contact your local pastor."
These jokes were forwarded
by Donald Roberts (Church of Our Saviour, Diocese
of Newark)
MAKING FACES
Finding one of her students making faces at others
on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove
the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School
teacher said,
"Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that
I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay
like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well,
Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
MINOR DIFFERENCES
A four-year-old Catholic boy was playing with a
4-year-old Protestant girl in a plastic wading pool
in the back yard. They splashed a lot of water
on each other; their clothes were soaking wet, so
they decide to take off the wet clothes. The
little boy looked at the little girl and said, "Golly,
I didn't know there was that much difference between
Catholics and Protestants,"
A LAWYER
When a lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates,
he was met by St. Peter who asked him what he had
done to merit entrance into Heaven. The Lawyer thought
a moment and said,
"A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless
person." St. Peter asked the angel Gabriel to
check into it and sure enough it was true.
St. Peter explained that this was fine, but not
really quite enough to get into Heaven. After several
more minutes of thought, the lawyer triumphantly
explained, "Wait, wait there's more! Three years
ago I gave a quarter to another homeless person." St.
Peter nodded to Gabriel who, after a moment of checking,
confirmed that this was also true.
St. Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well,
what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel
gave the lawyer a sidelong glance and then said, "Let's
give him back his 50 cents."
This joke was forwarded
by John Wickman (ECA)
FORREST GUMP
Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven. When
he got to the pearly gates, Saint Peter told him
that new rules were in effect due to the advances
in education on Earth.
In order to gain admittance a prospective
heavenly soul must answer three questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin
with "T."
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered, "The
two days of the week that begin with 'T' are 'Today'
and 'Tomorrow.' There are twelve seconds in
a year. And God has two first names; they are 'Andy'
and 'Howard.'"
Saint Peter said, "Okay, I'll buy Today and
Tomorrow. Even though it's not the answer I
expected, your answer is correct. But, how
did you get twelve seconds in a year, and why did
you ever think that God's first name is either Andy
or Howard?"
Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February
2nd, March 2nd, etc..."
"OK, I'll give you that one, too," said
Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first
name stuff?"
Forrest said, "Well, from the song, 'Andy walks
with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his
own...' and the prayer, 'Our Father, who art in Heaven,
Howard be thy name...'"
Saint Peter let him in without further discussion.
This joke was forwarded
by Donald Roberts (Church of Our Saviour, Diocese
of Newark)
IN MEMORY OF...
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed
little Alex was staring up at the large plaque
that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered
with names, and small American flags were mounted
on either side of it. The seven-year old had been
staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor
walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly,
"Good morning Alex." "Good morning
pastor," replied the young man, still focused
on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex
asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young
men and women who died in the service." Soberly,
they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which
one, the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?
This joke was forwarded
by Jenn McCabe (ECA, but attending school at
UCSC)
IF DREAMS WERE REAL
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to
Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself. The Lord
says to the cat, "You lived a good life and
if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven
more comfortable, please let Me know." The
cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all
my life I have lived with a poor family and had to
sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops
the cat and says, "Say no more," and a
wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic
farming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord
is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice
answer, "All of our lives we have been chased.
We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women
with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired
of running. Do you think we could have roller skates
so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say
no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful
new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the
cat and finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How
are things since you arrived?" The cat
stretches and yawns and replies, "It's wonderful
here. Better than I could have ever expected. And
those Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are
theeeeeeee best!!!"
These jokes were forwarded
by Donald Roberts (Church of Our Saviour, Diocese
of Newark)
THE POWER OF PRAYER
There was a Christian lady who lived next door to
an atheist. Everyday, when the lady prayed,
the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She
sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't
she know there isn't a God?"
Many times while she was praying, he would
go to her house and harass her, saying
"Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't
you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.
One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she
was praying to the Lord explaining her situation
and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As usual,
the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, "Humph
I'll fix her." He went to the grocery
store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them
to her house, dropped them off on the front porch,
rang the doorbell and then hid in the bushes to see
what she would do. When she opened the door
and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord
with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting
everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of
the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady,
God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those
groceries!" At hearing this, she broke
out and started running down the street, shouting
and praising the Lord. When he finally caught her,
he asked what her problem was...
She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me
with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna
make the devil pay for them!"
TEMPERANCE SERMON
A Southern minister was completing a temperance
sermon. With great expression he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take
it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And
if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and
pour it into the river." And then finally,
he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the
world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he then sat down. The song
leader stood very cautiously and announced with a
smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn
#365: Shall We Gather at the River."
A variation of this joke
was told by The Rev. Fred Gere (St. Edwards)
THE BIGGEST LIE
Father Jones was walking across the church parking
lot when he came upon a group of children surrounding
a puppy. When asked what they were doing, one
child explained that the puppy was lost, and the
kids had decided that the child who told the biggest
lie would get to take the dog home. After listening
to them take turns telling lies--each one more outlandish
than the one before, Father Jones finally had to
speak. He said, "Children, I think this
is terrible! Why, when I was a child I would
never have thought of telling such lies." The
kids hung their heads and said nothing for a few
moments until finally a girl said, "Well, if
none of you can think of a bigger one, I guess Father
Jones gets to take the dog home."
The
following two songs were written by Al Williams,
Jr. (former AVUCC interim pastor), and sung
by our congregation for Father Nolan's 60th
birthday:
To the
tune of Jesus Loves Me
Happy birthday,
Nolan dear!
You've survived another year!
Long of tooth and gray of beard,
By all loved and much revered.
Dear Nolan's
sixty! Yes, Nolan's sixty!
Old Nolan's sixty!
For Ann has told us so....
And she should surely know!
To the
tune of Rock of Ages
Holy Spirit,
E-mail me.
Faithful hacker I would be.
Fill my screen with words sublime.
Break right in if I'm online.
Send me sermons to repeat.
Keep them short and make them sweet.
Mighty Spirit,
beep my page.
Day or night, come shake my cage.
With a cell phone in my hand,
I'll obey your least command.
Thanks to cyber wizardry,
No more hiding me from Thee.
Ageless Spirit,
I'm not scared.
Year two thousand, I'm prepared!
Microsoft will take me there
With the Book of Common Prayer.
I'll be happy as can be.
Gates and God --- they leadeth me.
These jokes
were forwarded by Donald Roberts (Church of Our
Saviour, Diocese of Newark)
WWJD
A mother was preparing pancakes for
her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to
argue over who would get the first pancake. Their
mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If
Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother
have the first pancake. I can wait.' Kevin
turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus,"
SEAGULL AND HEAVEN
A father was at the beach with his
children when his four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where
a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what
happened to him?" the son asked. "He died
and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy
thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw
him back down?"
POOR PREACHERS
After the church service a little boy
told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going
to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the
pastor replied, "but why?" "Because
my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers
we've ever had,"
BLESSINGS
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter
and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I
wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just
say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord,
why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
DELIVER US FROM...
A mother was teaching her three-year-old
The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime,
the child repeated it after the mother. Then one
night the child was ready to solo. The mother listened
with pride to the carefully enunciated words, right
up to the end. "And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us some e-mail, Amen
These jokes
were forwarded by Natalie Mena (ECA)
KIDS IN CHURCH
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he
was coming down the aisle he would take two steps,
stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between
bride's side and groom's side). While facing the
crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all
the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd
was near tears from laughing so hard by the time
the reached the pulpit. The little boy, however,
was getting more and more distressed from all the
laughing, and by the time he reached the pulpit,
he was near tears. When asked what he was doing,
the child sniffed and said, "I was being the
Ring Bear."
THE FAMILY BIBLE
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible
with fascination, and looked at the old pages as
he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely.
It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed
in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the
boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his
mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's
voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
THE PREACHER
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike,
and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform,
jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to
one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly
tripping before jerking it again. After several circles
and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned
toward her mother and whispered,
"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
SHHHHHHH!
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother
Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled,
sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister
had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why?
Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed
to the back of the church and said, "See those
two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
This joke
was forwarded by Jennifer McCabe (ECA)
A PRAYER IN THE WOODS
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who
was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In
his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful.
Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The
hunter ran and ran and ran, his lungs burned for
lack of oxygen, his heart pounding so hard he felt
like it would burst out of his chest. Then suddenly,
he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His
hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the
bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down
on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear
Lord! Please give this bear some religion!" The
skies darkened, and there was lightning in the air. Just
a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to
abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly,
the bear looked up into the sky, kneeled and said, "Thank
you, Lord, for this food I'm about to receive...."
BACK
TO THE BEGINNING >>>
| Disclaimer -
Each of these jokes was carefully screened
before being added to our humor page. The
jokes should be appropriate for all ages. When
the author was known, we included his or
her name. If you find one of these
jokes to be offensive, please let us know,
and we'll remove it immediately. |
Send
jokes or complaints to 
