More Episcopal Humor & Christian Jokes

This joke was forwarded by Karen Barney of Lake Tahoe, Nevada

10 Top Reasons to be an Episcopalian

From the comedian Robin Williams, who is an Episcopalian, on an HBO special:

10.  No snake handling.

9.  You can believe in dinosaurs.

8.  Male and female God created them; male and female we ordain them.

7.  You don't have to check your brains at the door.

6.  Pew aerobics.

5.  Church year is color-coded.

4.  Free wine on Sunday.

3.  All of the pageantry -- none of the guilt.

2.  You don't have to know how to swim to get baptized.

and the Number One to be an Episcopalian:

1.  No matter what you believe, there's bound to be at least one other Episcopalian who agrees with you.

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This joke was forwarded by Bob Galway of Aptos, California

BLESSING

Junior, a Southern Baptist from Alabama, loved to sneak away to the race track.

One day he was there betting on the ponies and losing his shirt when he noticed a Catholic priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race. 

Junior was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Junior made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Junior collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Junior bet on it, and it won! Junior was elated!

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Junior began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Junior bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded.

He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!" The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

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This joke was forwarded by Jim Lamb of Centreville, Virginia

More Church Bulletin slip ups

These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National Prayer and Fasting Conference. "The cost for attending the Prayer and Fasting Conference includes meals."

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget to bring your husbands."

Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off. Let the Church help.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM.-prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

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This joke was forwarded by Charles Wilson of Canada

How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?

• None. The old one is complete and sufficient by itself, and should not be changed according to the world's whims.
• Four. One to call the electrician, one to clear it with the vestry, and two to argue about how much better candles were.
• Five. One to screw in the new bulb and four to create an organization for the preservation of the old bulb.
• A whole congregation. One to move that the bulb be changed while the others debate until the room spins.
• . . .What do you mean change? I'll have you know my grandfather bought that light bulb, and I'm not going see anyone change that on some stupid whim. That's the problem today -- no respect for what our families have put into this church all these years....

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This joke was forwarded by Bob Galway of Aptos, California, and may have been written by James F. Augustine.  It's not "exactly" Christian, but we Silicon Valley geeks think it comes close enough.

IN THE BEGINNING...

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS, for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or, as it came to be known, "eBay," he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied,

"Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And that is how the Internet all began.

It wasn't Al Gore after all.

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This joke was forwarded by Bob Galway of Aptos, California

GOLF AND THE POPE 

Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Nation of Israel for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ehud Barak, the leader of Israel, sent back a message to the College of Cardinals. The proposal was for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholic and Jewish faiths.

The Pope met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal. "Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Barak wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete I am afraid that this would tarnish our image to the world." The Pope thought about this and as he had never held a golf club in his life asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" "None that plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Barak as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a great idea.

The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play as a representative of the Pope. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer. "Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long! and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous." "How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed, "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

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This joke was forwarded by Shana Moore of San Jose, CA

JONAH AND THE WHALE

A little girl was reading on an airplane when the man beside her noticed her storybook, entitled "Jonah and the Whale."

The man thought he would see if the little girl believed the story about Jonah.

So, after saying Hi to the girl he asked her to tell him about the book she was holding.

The girl said the book was about Jonah, and how he was swallowed by a whale.

The man asked: "Do you believe that really happened?"

The little girl replied, "Yes, I believe the story of Jonah is true."

You mean you really believe that a man can be swallowed up by a big whale, stay inside him all that time, and come out of there still alive and okay?

She said, "Absolutely -- this story is in the Bible and we studied it in Sunday school today!"

Then the man asked, "How can you prove that the story about Jonah is true?"

She thought for a moment, and then said, "When I get to Heaven I'll ask Jonah."

The man then asked, "What if Jonah's NOT in Heaven?"

She put her hands on her little waist, and sternly said: "Then I guess YOU can ask him!"

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This joke was reprinted from Baltimore, Maryland's Northern County Psychiatric Associates' webpage

IN THE BEGINNING

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth."

And so God created Man in his own image; male and female he created them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO's...........

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This joke was forwarded by Debby Grizzle of South Hills Community Church in San Jose, CA

GOOD LORD!

A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord!  He's done it again!"

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This joke was forwarded by Linda Haught of Rohnert Park, California

GOD GRANT ME ONE REQUEST

A man walking a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one request."   Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord  said, "Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one request."   The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want  to."   The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics  of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of  the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things.  Take a little more time and think of another request, a request you think would honor and glorify Me."  The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I am  married, and my wife says that I am uncaring and  insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they  feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent  treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing"... and...  how I can make a woman truly happy".  After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

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This joke was forwarded by Paul Petruzzelli, St. Joseph's Catholic Church, Auburn, CA

NOAH'S ARK

It is the year 2000 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole Earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the Earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivers the specifications for an Ark.

Fearful and trembling, Noah takes the plans and agrees to build the Ark. "Remember," says the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covers the Earth and all the seas of the Earth go into a tumult. The Lord sees Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," He shouts. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" cries Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. "Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire-sprinkler system and flotation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. "I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. "The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.  I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. "Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. "Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe.  "Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard. "The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.' "Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the Earth, it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years!" Noah wails.

The sky begins to clear, the sun begins to shine, and the seas begin the calm. A rainbow arches across the sky. Noah looks up hopefully: "You mean you are not going to destroy the Earth, Lord?" "No," says the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

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This joke was forwarded by Donald Roberts (Church of Our Saviour, Diocese of Newark)

JESUS and SATAN

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally, God said, "That's enough. I'm going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I'll be the judge of whom does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at their keyboards and typed away. They moused. Did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports.  They made greeting cards. They did every known job.

But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every word known in the Underworld. Jesus just sighed. The power finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, while screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan, observing this, began screaming, "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"

God smiled, shrugged and said, "Isn't it obvious?  Jesus saves!"

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This joke came from Linda Haught of Rohnert Park, California

THE ENGINEER

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're in the wrong place." and points the engineer in the opposite direction.  Satan, of course, takes him in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort down under and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy--even with Satan.

After hearing reports of strange happenings down south, St. Peter calls Satan up on the telephone, and asks him how things are going in the trenches.

Satan responds that things are going great! "We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators! And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

A little surprised, Peter quickly rechecks his paperwork and stammers, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have been sent down there. Send him back up here now!"

Satan says with a smile, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff.  He fits right in, so I'm keeping him."

Peter, turning red in the face, says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you in the Supreme Court of the Great Beyond"

Satan, now laughing answers, "Yeah, right! And just where are you going to find a lawyer!?"

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This joke came from The Rev. Jack Stanton of Paramus, New Jersey

BILL GATES IN HEAVEN

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royce's."

"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter. Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!" "Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once.

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These jokes were forwarded by Don Roberts (Church of Our Saviour, Diocese of Newark)

SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHERS

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A Sunday school teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

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